WAITING REALLY KILLS...

Photo credits: http://www.scottburns.co.uk/images/blog/stressed1.jpg

Indeed. Waiting kills. I have barely two days left before I get into a room with my advisory committee... it's going to be judgment day...

Actually, I don't know how to feel right now... it's like everything's mixed up. I want to bake a cake, I know how to do it, it's just that I don't know if the finished product will be a cake. Well, I know the ingredients right? I mean, one click on the web and I know what to buy... I know what to do... but am not sure if the cake will turn out the way I want it to be...

I have been reading since early May, you know, just trying to recall things that I've learned during the past one year and a half... trying to recall words that have lots of meaning to me and trying to reconcile myself with just sticking to one definition. I've written concepts on manila papers and hung them on my wall. I've been reading articles just to make sure I don't forget the pratical side of what I am suppose to master... I've like exhausted every possible means of making sure I can recall whatever I have learned... and yet.. here comes the time when I go "Am I even reviewing the right thing?".

This thing makes you go nuts literally... We'll at least most, if not all, of my friends attested to this feeling. They keep saying "don't worry, you can make it... no need to review Lou, you'll just get frustrated... " If it were just easy to do this... (*sighs*)...

As I really wait for the day, the more I get anxious... well, I really don't want to get ahead of myself... I received a text message from my adviser right now telling me to review well and I replied to her that am actually going nuts... like my heartbeat is that of someone who jogged 10 laps... then, she just replies.. BE STILL AND KNOW THAT THERE IS GOD... WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER...

It's really comforting to know that even when waiting kills, someone is willing to wait with you...

AS IF IT WAS JUST YESTERDAY...

Photo credit: flickr.com/photos/66033052@N00/1566607863

Today, the sun is shining at its peak. It’s the best time to be merry (not after a week of rain and gloom)... but right now, I feel at my lowest. I want to cry. Again. In silence. It’s one of the days when I get to see myself in the midst of my decisions and the midst of the choices I’ve made.

As if it was just yesterday when I met you, as if it was just yesterday that you sat beside me and asked me this word you barely understood, as if it was yesterday that you kept bugging me to join you for dinner, to go watch a movie, or to do something extraordinary, as if it was yesterday that you held my hand for the first time after so many months of being together, as if it was just yesterday that you stood in my defense over something... as if it was just yesterday that I got to know you inside out. AS IF IT WAS JUST YESTERDAY...

It’s just barely two weeks since you’ve been back, and you say you’re leaving again... and this time, you’ll leave me hanging, not knowing when you will be back. I knew this was coming. That was part of the deal. I had my mind ready for this... I know I will get over it... but guess what, it’s slowly sinking in... that maybe, I CAN’T... you have shown me how life is... how it should be... you taught me how life could surprise me and that all I need is to hang on... you taught me a lot of things... and that I am so grateful.

You were one of the people who have painted my life with colors unknown to men. And I don’t know if in the midst of this painting, I’ll start learning to let go even if it is yet unfinished...